As is tradition, it’s that time of the year when I start to make a Christmas list. When I was a kid, I’d do this via the medium of ‘circling things in the Argos catalogue’ and strategically leaving it where my Mum would find it. These days, I’m a more technologically sophisticated adult, so I do it by ‘bookmarking sex toys on my partner’s computer and hoping he takes the hint.
This basically means ‘ones that are quite pricey,’ so if you’re getting one of these for your partner know only that you’re pretty much guaranteeing yourself an excellent package in return when Valentines Day rolls round in February.
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, and I’ll continue screaming it at the top of my voice while in the throes of yet another bone-shuddering orgasm: the Doxy massager is the best thing that ever happened to my genitals. Why? I don’t know. It’s intensely powerful, rumbles in a deep ad satisfying way, stimulating not just my clit but my entire pelvis, and when you put it on pulse mode it sends you into a sort of trancelike state, in pursuit of orgasm at all costs. I say ‘you’ but I mean, of course, ‘me.’ Grab one for yourself, or your partner, and see if they feel the same.
My life became about 1000% better when I got a spreader bar. Not because I’d particularly fantasised about having one, but because once I got one I realised all the delicious possibilities and combinations: standing up and bracing myself against the wall. Standing up and bending over, trying to keep my balance as I touch my toes and he ravishes me. On my knees on the bed, face pressed to the cover, as my hands are tied snugly to my spread ankles. There are infinite possibilities, and all of them are HOT.
There’s a whole world of physical sensation that you may not have tried yet. I am here to tell you that it is… interesting. If you’re in any way into bondage and pain, then electrastim will probably fascinate you as it does me. A confession: I don’t have a kit like this at home, but I have tried it before, when I was exploring my dominant side with a partner at the time. Using an electrastim buttplug, I saw him get pleasurably tortured until he was but a twitching mass of need. And what could be more Christmassy?
OK, so Tenga masturbators tend to range in price from about £10 for a disposable egg-shaped one to £30-40 for a longer-lasting awesomely geometric one. Literally all of them are beautiful, though, so I can’t push myself to decide between them.
Another one for my ‘oh God how I want this’ list, there’s something desperately hot about bodystockings, and crotchless ones naturally allow for the kind of easy access that is pretty much vital when you’re wearing something so sexy you’ll want to begin doing The Sex as soon as you’ve put it on. If the idea of crotchless stuff isn’t your cup of tea, then you can always get ones that aren’t, and just prepare to completely ruin them when you tear into them like a particularly exciting present.
This is something I need rather than something I have in my toy drawer already, but I add it to pretty much any wish list I ever produce. This isn’t because I’m getting kickbacks from the company, or because I’ve seen someone using one before and I feel like copying them: no. It’s because I really really want a guy to shag me from behind, while pulling on a bit gag and calling me a ‘good pony.’ Judge me: I dare you. But if it makes you feel more festive, you can always call me ‘Blitzen.’