50 Shades of Grey – how to be more fun than Christian

If you loved the 50 Shades of Grey book, this has probably been a bit of an irritating week for you. Here’s some stuff to cheer you up.

So you liked the books, and you’re looking forward to the film with that exact mixture of excitement combined with dread that it won’t live up to your imagination. On top of that, you have to put up with endless bloggers, columnists and tedious opinion-havers like me banging on about it. Spurting our opinions all over your fantasies until you can’t remember what got you hot about them in the first place.

I can see why that would be a pain in the arse. And not in the fun spanky way either.

So here’s the deal: I’ll refrain from having any film or book-related opinions on this page if you’ll go and check out some of the cool BDSM stuff that SexToys sell, OK?

Riding crop

I’ve never personally been pleasured with a riding crop the way Ana has in the book – as a general rule my riding crop is only used for either hitting people or being hit by people. I am hoping to eventually expand its uses when my partner eventually buys me that pony I’ve always dreamed of. But until then, for delightful spanking funtimes, riding crops are amazing.

If a riding crop isn’t your bag, then you might like to try a spanking paddle (can be either deliciously thuddy or painfully sting-y, depending on how it’s wielded) or my own personal favourite – the flogger. This Lelo suede flogger has a bloody lovely texture, and the best thing about floggers is that they have a huge range of use – from gentle light strokes to full-on thudding whacks.

Bondage kit

If you’re looking for things to tie you up, you basically have two main options: the easy way and the hard way.

The hard way involves bondage rope and, like all ‘hard ways’, it usually pays off pretty nicely. Rope is obviously more versatile than other things, and with the right knowledge and a bit of practice you can have your partner tied in interesting and unusual ways. Just make sure you don’t tie too tight, and you keep a pair of scissors handy in case they need to escape in a hurry.

The easy way is – as I’m sure you’ve guessed by now – the one I tend to go for. It’s not laziness so much as enthusiasm. I once had a guy put me in the most beautiful rope-bondage, but unfortunately it took so long for him to get the knots in the right places that I was practically climbing the walls with sexual frustration. My preference is for things that are simple to get in and out of, like these buckle-fastened wrist restraints. If you’re unlucky enough to have a headboard with no convenient posts to bind someone to, then you might also want to check out this bed bondage restraint kit – it just slips under your mattress, and comes with cuffs attached: the easiest of easy ways.


Obviously if someone’s going to play music in your ears while pleasuring you in a state of erotic sensory deprivation, you’re going to want some sort of blindfold.

To be honest, my opinion here is that basically anything will do: if it covers your eyes and does a half-decent job, then you’re golden. But I guess if you really want to theme it, then you’ll probably have to go for the red blindfold. To match the red room, ya know?

Play safely

I know, I promised you no opinions whatsoever. So this isn’t an opinion – more of an order. There is only one really good reason to play with spanking, bondage, and anything else along those lines: that it’s something you really want to do. Whatever your reasons for wanting to do it, I hope no one ever makes you feel like you have to because it’s currently fashionable. The only thing worse than having everyone embrace your kink (and BDSM is very much my kind of kink), and that’s having people do it begrudgingly because arsehole opinion-havers are telling them to.

See what tickles your fancy, chat to your partner about it, and embrace whatever you love. Because we all love something, and it’s good to be able to share our fantasies. I’ll leave you with the words of the awesome Erika Moen, who has written about 50 Shades on her most excellent comic blog:

“You deserve to have the best, most fulfilling BDSM experience.”

And you totally do. So get involved, have a conversation about it with your partners, and enjoy your fantasies in the way that makes you all feel happy.

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