Blog - This masturbation technique totally sucks...

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This masturbation technique totally sucks...
By Girl on the Net 4 months ago 1043 Views No comments

I know of a few gentlemen who, in a misguided attempt to recreate the exquisite sensation of a blow job, have accidentally ended up in painful or embarrassing situations. If you want a wank that really sucks (in a good way), avoid making their mistakes, and get something that'll do the job properly...

When I was young, someone told me a story of someone who was admitted to hospital with their penis in a vacuum cleaner. I know, I know: it was probably an urban legend. Surely no one would be foolish enough to risk severe injury just because they were horny?

Now that I'm older and wiser I know that the answer to that question is 'OMG yes plenty of people are EXACTLY that foolish and horny.' You just need to look at the number of individuals admitted to hospital with everything from lightbulbs to broom handles up their bums. And you only need to ask my mate – who shall remain nameless – who, five years after telling me this apocryphal tale, managed to give himself a love bite on his penis using only a Henry Hoover

I know it happened, because he showed it to me. It wasn't pretty, but no lasting damage was done.

Although we've now lost touch, I imagine he'd be delighted to learn that if what you're after is suction, you no longer need to risk genital destruction in order to achieve the kind of sexy sucking sensations he was after when he first entered into a tryst with poor Henry.

If you want to recreate the sensation of a blow job in the comfort of your own home, there's a much better way...

Tenga suction cups – increase the suction power!

Regular readers will probably know that I'm a big fan of Tenga toys. Their masturbation sheaths are always beautifully designed: abstract, non-biological shapes that are perfect for those who are turned off by the more gynaecological masturbators on the market. On top of that they have genuinely unique patterns and textures inside, doing things you could never do with your own human hand, and providing a genuinely unique wank.

Why do I love them so much, as someone who doesn't even have a dick to use them on? Well, I have a collection. And I get that collection out every now and then to use on my eager partner. I get him to rate them out of ten, and Tenga toys always score high. Short of gold-plating them and engraving my name on the side, I didn't think you could really improve Tenga toys... until now.

Tenga has just released an upgrade to their Air Tech masturbators: an upgrade which sucks.

In a good way.

The Tenga Vacuum Controller slips over the end of an Air Tech masturbator, and is powered by a motor that controls the amount of air going in and out of the end of the toy. If you've used one of these masturbators before, you'll know that air flow is crucial in choosing the sensation you want. If you leave the hole at the end of the toy uncovered, air can easily flow in, meaning the suction is low. If you want some serious suction power – like you'd get in a particularly enthusiastic and sucky blow job – then you just cover over the hole. Voila! An increase in pressure and suction that makes for a seriously good wank.

Until now, you needed to rely on your own fair hands to control suction, but now the Vacuum Controller has a motor that does this for you. Less fiddling around, less positioning, less fumbling with lubed-up hands to make sure you've got the pressure exactly right... it's basically the lazy wanker's wet dream. And by the 'lazy wanker' I mean of course me, and anyone else who's planning to spend most of this weekend hungover and enjoying themselves in bed.

Grab one for yourself – the regular or the slightly larger 'ultra' version .

Other Tenga upgrades

While you're here and in the mood to shop, you might want to consider a few other wanking upgrades. The Tenga hole warmer is currently discounted from £11.99 to just £3, and if you need me to tell you what it's there for, I can only imagine you've never grabbed a chilly masturbation sheath from your bedside table then winced as your dick shrivelled when you entered it. The hole warmer will... well, it'll warm the hole. Does what it says on the tin, as they say.

You may also want to stock up on lube. Especially if you, like me, tend to go through 'honeymoon periods' with new sex toys like we do with new partners: getting super-excited for the first few weeks and shagging them every way we can think of before we eventually calm down and work them into our standard routine. Tenga Hole Lotion Solid is a water-based lubricant (so safe to use with all your sex toys, not just your Tenga ones) that is less sticky than many other lubes, so you get a smooth ride. Or their Hole Lotion Real is also water-based, but it feels just like the real thing.

There you have it – all the equipment you need to recreate the sensation of a blow job, but without any of the potential pain or embarrassment of trying to 'DIY' your own solution. Not that I think you'd have done that, of course, I'm sure my mate was a one-off...

Oh wait, my mistake .


Header image courtesy of skeyndor on Flickr.