How often do you bump uglies? Perhaps more importantly, how likely is it that the phrase 'bump uglies' has turned you off so hard that you're going to struggle to ever get turned on again? This week, in lamenting the things that can get in the way of a good sex life, a Times journalist unwittingly provided one more reason for us to give up on having sex forever, when she used a euphemism for sex so frighteningly unsexy that everyone on my Twitter feed agreed we'd need to be celibate from now on.
The phrase she used? “Sweeping the special chimney.” Argh. Apart from the implication that there might be soot in my vagina, or that servicing me would require a special long-handled brush, the main thing that bothered me about this phrase was that it reminded me of Dick Van Dyke. I don't want him popping unbidden into my head when I'm about to get down to it, even if he is singing a raunchy version of 'Chim Chim Cheree.' Shudder.
Still, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em: in honour of my colleagues in mainstream media who seem somehow allergic to using the word 'sex' when phrases like 'special cuddles' will do, I thought I'd have a go at cramming some of my own terrible euphemisms into today's blog post.
And today's blog post, handily, is going to be all about sexual positioning equipment: the ramps, wedges, cushions and harnesses that can make it a little easier for you and your partner to knock boots. Or just mean that when you next embark on a session of horizontal tango, you can achieve positions that before you could only dream of.
Sexual positioning equipment: the basics
What is sexual positioning equipment? It essentially consists of any product that you can use to help support your body as you contort into new shapes. Some people aren't as mobile or flexible as others, and let's face it: even for those of us who pride ourselves on having been to a yoga class once are still never going to achieve every position in the Kama Sutra. It's difficult. What's more, when you're making the beast with two backs, it can be really hard to come if you're not comfy. Sexual positioning equipment is there to take the toil out of tapping ass, and the boredom out of bonking.
I'm going to start with the most popular and prominent brand in sexual positioning: Liberator. Liberator is the household name in ramps, wedges and other sexual positioning supports. Why? Well because they really know their stuff. Their equipment is firm, practical, beautifully designed and easy to wipe clean: handy if you've been playing a particularly vigorous game of hide-the-salami and there's been a little overspill.
The ramp is perfect for doggy-style shagging, as the person getting shagged has support at their waist. If you've got a vagina this makes for some really excellent deep penetration, without having to worry that your hips will give an ominous 'click' partway through getting laid. It comes in purple as well as black, and although it is quite pricey it's high quality so it should stand up to even the most vigorous session of 'how's your father.'
If you like your poking sessions to be a little more vigorous than the average session of slap and tickle, then a doggy style harness might be the best less-than-fifteen-quid you've ever spent. It's essentially just a padded strap with a handle on each end that's designed to wrap round your waist and be pulled on by your partner while they're shafting you. But summing it up like that doesn't really get to the heart of the matter: it allows for really powerful, aggressive nookie. I used to own one and my eyes would light up like the proverbial Christmas tree if my partner took it out of the special drawer, because a simple strap like this can make the difference between sexy time that's 'quite fun actually' and 'so good I think I'm going to struggle to walk for the rest of the week.'
Sex doesn't just have to be about two people doing the bedroom rodeo together – solo sex is also jolly good fun, and totally worth spicing up with positioning equipment if you fancy it. This mount is designed to fit most Fleshlights (and it'll fit other masturbators as well if you have a large collection!). Just insert the toy you want to play with and kneel or lie on top of the mount, inserting your penis in the toy. Voilà! A far more energetic masturbation session, because you can practice amorous congress with as much vigour as you like.
Enhancements to solo sex aren't just for those with penises – there's a similar mount offered which you can place a magic wand (or, again, other wand toy like a Doxy) inside. This can be used either on your own or during an energetic session of adult affection with a loved one: just place the wand in the space on the mount, turn it on, bend over it to position your clit in the right place, and boff away.
Look here: I simply refuse to write an article about sexual positioning equipment that doesn't include a sex swing. It's not who I am. It would go against every core value I have ever held, most notably the core value that no house I live in will ever be complete until I have fulfilled my dream of having a sex swing. If you're keen to help your rumpy pumpy go with a swing, this Fetish Fantasy one is just over a hundred pounds and ridiculously easy to install: you just need a doorframe or a wooden beam in your ceiling (you can find out where these are by popping into the loft, or tapping on the plasterboard of your ceiling until you find the solid beams) and the swing itself comes with all the bits of kit you'll need for installation. You'll be thrashing thighs, playing 'hide the cannoli' and fishing for kippers with the best of them.
If you think that's too many sexual euphemisms for one blog post, I assure you I only include them because I'm so confident you'll like at least one of the items on this list that all the terrible sex terms in the world couldn't put you off browsing them.
And if you are put off, well, I can only apologise. Just thank your lucky stars I didn't use some of the choicer phrases that Twitter users suggested. Quick round of 'plunging the erotic u bend' anyone?