If you've not spent much time on reddit before, I don't blame you: some of the forums can be a hotbed of horribleness, and not a very pleasant place to spend your browsing time. But it's not all bad – some reddit threads can give you a really interesting insight into people's thoughts and feelings. Especially when it comes to sex.
This week, two separate but similar reddit threads caught my eye: men offering sex tips to women and vice versa – women offering sex tips to men. They ranged from the interesting to the reassuring and I thought it'd be fun to take you on a whistlestop tour of the best sex tips that I found helpful.
Before I start, it's worth noting that the threads seem to be focused on straight, cisgender (i.e. people whose gender matches that which they were assigned at birth) men and women. That does make the threads somewhat limiting, but it doesn't mean we can't find some useful stuff in there – and many of the tips will apply to everyone, no matter what your sexuality or genital configuration.
Let's get cracking!
Sex tips from reddit: women to men
The top tip on this thread is currently this one:
“Don't start right away. Make her want you. It's the best lubricant I'd say.”
And further down more women chime in to talk about how vital arousal and lubrication is to sex. It seems like there are plenty of men out there who are so keen to get down to it that they forget if you're doing penetration of any kind, you need some decent lubricant.
That might just mean that you have to spend a little longer on the pre-penetration activities like kissing, stroking, touching, whispering dirty things into the other person's ear. It might also mean that you need a little help. There are plenty of incredible lubricants on the market – from simple water based lubes or silicone based lubes to fancier ones that come with flavours, scents or sensations. If you want to make sure you've got the right lubricant, buy a small selection and test them out with your partner to find out which one works best for you.
Most importantly, according both to reddit and to me, is that you have to remember not everyone lubricates to the same degree, at the same speed. Sometimes all a guy needs to do is growl the right words and I'll be wetter than an otter at bathtime – other times my body just doesn't do what I want it to do and I'll be dry as a bone and need lots of additional help. There are plenty of factors that can limit someone's ability to lubricate – medication, time of the month, age, tiredness, etc – so please don't ever take it personally. Just pull out the lube bottle and have fun!
The other sex tip that seemed to get a lot of agreement is this one:
“If a girl says don’t stop, for the love of god don’t stop. Don’t do anything differently than what you were doing when she said don’t stop. Don’t slow down or speed up or go harder. Just do it the exact way you were.”
I can't tell you how much I agree with this – and I suspect the same is true no matter what your gender. The 'don't stop' means exactly that: do what you were doing before at exactly the same speed and with exactly the same pressure. It's a really tough tip to follow, because as many people have pointed out in the thread sometimes your stamina just isn't going to be able to provide in that moment! But don't worry – help is at hand here too. That's what sex toys are for.
I'm serious. You could spend all day every day in the gym and yet still not manage to do what my Doxy does, because it plugs into the mains! It can keep going all night! This doesn't make it 'better' than you any more than a lawnmower is 'better' than you because it can cut the grass faster than you could cut it with a pair of scissors: it's a tool that you can use to do the best possible job of getting me off. Don't be afraid to use it. Or a bullet vibe. Or a vibrating cock ring. Or anything for that matter.
Sex tips from reddit: men to women
Let's start this section with the top-rated sex tip for women, from men:
“Initiating will go a LONG way. We like to feel desired too.”
I'm so pleased this was in there, because it links neatly back to last week's blog post on how to initiate sex. One of the most common complaints from men in the reddit thread is that their partners don't initiate sex enough. Or possibly, as the research from last week found, they were too subtle in their sexual initiation and their partners didn't think that's what they were doing! Lots of people could clearly benefit from being a little more direct in their advances, and communicating more with their partner. This is backed up by the next top-rated tip:
“Tell us. Tell us exactly what you want, when you want it, how you want it. You're all different. There's no psychic connection, so we need you to tell us what you like.”
This call for more communication floats my boat too: most of us could do with being a bit more communicative in the bedroom. I should technically be great at it because I preach it here all the time, but even the gobby sex bloggers among us sometimes get tongue-tied if we're feeling shy, or having an off day, or simply don't know quite how to tell our partners that we'd like them to tie us down with some sexy restraints and whip us with floggers.
And on the subject of telling people what you want, I'm going to end on one of the funniest comments I found on the thread:
“If you want to give the perfect handjob try doing it with your mouth”
I couldn't work out whether to roll my eyes or laugh out loud. Thing is, most people know that the majority of people with penises will prefer a blow job to a hand job – especially if the person giving the hand job hasn't got a dick of their own to practice on! I'm painfully aware of the fact that any dick-rubbing I do will be 'meh' at best and painful at worst, because I don't have my personal experience to guide me.
But that doesn't mean blow jobs are the only option, pal! Investing in a really good masturbation sheath (or two, or three, or... [does some mental maths] … twelve) means you can give a hand job with superpowers any time you like. And you get to test out lots of different squishy textures, then pick the one that your partner likes the best.
And that nearly brings us to an end of some of my highlights, but before I go I wanted to leave you on something that's a little more positive. Of all the sex tips I read, this is the one that I think many of us could do to hear. And it's relevant no matter who you are and who you're shagging:
“Being self-conscious is the biggest killer for sex. Follow the logic. I am attracted to you and you seduced me. If you feel, act, and behave like you're inferior, that means I am inferior. I am very happy to be here with you, unless you make me feel like you're just settling for me because you can't do any better.”
So don't forget, when you're getting down to it: don't be afraid to use lube and sex toys, communicate with your partner, and above all remember that they're in bed with you because you're a sexy badass. Own it, and enjoy it!