It's rare that I get to do sex and science fiction in the same blog post, but this week the opportunity came hurtling straight out of the sky, like the asteroid in Armageddon. A top scientist has warned that NASA needs to study sex in space as a matter of urgency, and I am happy to volunteer my services...
What's so urgent about studying sex in space? Well, when you think about it the logic is impeccable: anyone who is even vaguely interested in space travel is also likely to be thinking about the possibility of colonisation. Moving humanity (or at least moving SOME of humanity) off-planet to start a new life elsewhere. Mars, for instance, or one of the potentially habitable planets in the suburbs of Alpha Centauri.
And if you want to colonise, you need to be able to make babies. While there are certainly other, more scientifically advanced ways to make babies, the most common method is to have sex.
And sex in space can present a number of interesting challenges.
1. How do you thrust when you're having sex in space?
It's great fun to watch astronauts floating around space stations. I'd certainly not mind a go at bouncing around the walls of the ISS, getting dizzy and no doubt crashing into all the delicate equipment on board. But when it comes to shagging, that environment is going to cause some serious problems. Most notably: when you thrust, you'll push your partner away.
What's the solution? Well, rumours abound on the internet that NASA once proposed a kind of elastic band which would fit around the amorous couple. The stretchy elastic would allow them to move apart slightly, before the tension in it shoved them together again.
Sadly that's a hoax – NASA never made sex bands for ISS missions . But should you ever find yourself on the way to Mars, you might be A-OK if you've packed enough bondage rope. A strong tie should keep you and your partner within a reasonable sex distance – and even if you don't succeed the practise will be incredibly fun.
2. When you're having sex in space, what if the fluid destroys equipment?
Let's face it: sex is sometimes messy. Whether it's blow-jobs that end with crispy jizz drying in your hair or mutual masturbation that turns your sheets into a Jackson Pollock painting: sex usually involves a fair amount of fluid.
In space, though, fluid behaves very differently to the way it does here on Earth. Check out this incredible video filmed aboard the ISS – Commander Chris Hadfield wrings out a wet washcloth, and the results are strange to see:
Now, the first thought in my mind is about lube: if the water clings to the hand-towel like that, perhaps a nice water-based lube will do the same. Clinging to someone's penis and allowing for a super-smooth hand job.
But the next most pressing question: what does this mean for spunk? There are surely some pretty fun games you could play, chasing jizz droplets around a zero-gravity chamber with your mouth open. But there is only one way to find out for sure, and that is to send me into space with a pile of excellent sex toys and a willing gentleman to accompany me.
3. How do you hold onto your sex toys in space?
There's a reason NASA has to come up with ingenious methods of storing scientific equipment: in a zero-gravity environment anything that isn't tightly strapped down has a habit of coming loose. If you're making love amongst the stars, the last thing you want is for an intense orgasm to shoot your glass dildo out and into a computer terminal. So what's the solution? Well, personally I'd bring a few attackable sex toys with me: strap ons, cock rings, and other toys which can be solidly fastened to someone. That way you don't have to stop your space-sex partway through to go chasing after misplaced bullet vibrators.
There you have it: three sex-in-space problems, with sex-toy-based solutions. Anything I've missed? Any space-sex experiments you would like to see NASA carry out? I'm pretty sure at least one person who reads this will have the ear of a top scientist who can pass on our requests. And for what it's worth, NASA: I am ready and available to be your space sex guinea pig. Just give me the word and I will pack my flight bag...