We haven’t had sex for four years

Dear Rebecca,

My partner and I have been together for 10 years and the last 4 years have been mostly sexless. We went through a stressful period and sex sort of fell by the wayside. We’ve never quite got back to it. Do you have any tips for how we can reignite things?



Hi Margaret,

Thank you for your email. I’m sorry to hear that a previously stressful period has left your relationship sexless. Believe it or not, it’s actually quite common. Once sex falls away, it can feel like an insurmountable problem to get it going again. Here’s a few ideas for you:

Communicate – Clear, open, honest communication is essential in any relationship. Sweeping things under the carpet will just make things worse later. Let each other know how you feel. Tell your partner that you’re missing being sexual with him. Once the communication channels about sex are open again, you can start to discuss ideas for heating things up again.

Share ideas – Discuss things you’d like to try, whether that be a particular position, a new sex toy, a fantasy or what ever it is that would help to get you both in the mood and feeling connected again.

Don’t be in a rush – If it’s been a while, I’d suggest taking some time to get to know each other sexually again. Go on a date, woo each other – it’s a perfect opportunity to start afresh. You don’t have to start with penetration straight away. You could have a bit of an old fashioned courtship, snog like teenagers and let your new sexual relationship develop naturally. Get to know each other’s likes and dislikes as if from scratch.

Make time – I know it can be difficult with busy lives to put aside time for intimacy, but it’s really important. If you just wait for the right time, it might never happen. If you have to, get out your diaries and schedule in time. You don’t have to know ahead of time what you’re going to do. Just agree that you want to explore some intimacy and sensuality with the intention of re-lighting your sexual fires. Then see what you’re in the mood for at the time.

With love,




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