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My girlfriend wants me to stop masturbating

Dear Rebecca,


My girlfriend and I have been together about 9 months now. We recently had a chat about masturbation and it turns out that she doesn’t think I should masturbate since we’re in a relationship. I could cut back a bit, but not sure I could stop altogether. What do you think?

Thanks,

Peter

Hi Peter,

Thank you for your email. It really depends on what’s really on her mind and whether or not your masturbation is getting in the way of your sex life.

Many years ago I dated a guy that was so addicted to porn that by the time he came to bed he was spent and had no energy for or interest in sex. I tried to talk to him about it, but sadly he had so much shame around it he wasn’t interested. I never asked him to stop, just to save some for me. We eventually broke up.

A couple of male friends of mine told me that when they’re in a relationship they never, ever masturbate. I was really surprised to hear this! They felt that their sexual energy should be devoted only to the relationship and that it felt depleted if they masturbated. Although that’s not what would work for me and my partner, it worked well for them.

I think you have to find a healthy balance. It’s important to cultivate a relationship with your own body and your own sexuality. That is healthy not only for you but for your relationship too. However it does pay to be mindful about where you’re putting your sexual energy. If you’re masturbating to lots of porn, rather than steering that energy towards your partner, it may actually feel to her like the heat in your relationship is getting cooler.

I think it’s absolutely fine for you to masturbate, especially if your orgasmic energy is aimed at your girlfriend. Even if it’s not, it’s ok within reason. If you’re masturbating to the point of not being interested in sex with your partner, then perhaps you should cut back or stop altogether just for a while.

Also, I’d recommend that you talk to your girlfriend a bit more about it. Tell her why you like to masturbate, what you get from it and why you’d like to continue. Maybe you could share it with her from time to time? Having a mutual masturbation session is really hot!

With love,

Rebecca

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