I have been single for most of my adult life. For years I’ve enjoyed feeling free, sleeping around and not getting serious with anyone. That lifestyle suited me for a long time, but lately I’m feeling like sex just for the sake of it leaves me a bit empty. I think I’m ready for something deeper, maybe even a relationship but have no idea how to change things or how to create a deeper connection with someone. Can you help?
Thank you for your email. It’s not unusual for the things that worked for us sexually when we were younger to not be so fulfilling as we get older. Sleeping around can tick a few boxes for a while however, most people are really looking for intimacy and connection and for sex to be an expression of that.
True intimacy requires us to be present and vulnerable. These are not always easy to do as we are mostly brought up with distractions and told that being vulnerable is bad, scary or weak. If you want to create deeper, longer connections with potential partners, you will need to practice being really present – not just when you are with a lover but in all areas of your life. It does take practice though.
Also, start allowing yourself to be vulnerable. You don’t always have to have the answers, no what to do, be in charge, be strong, etc. Practice just being yourself without having to impress anyone. It might feel quite scary to start with but I assure you it will help to lead you where you want to go eventually.
Also, before you jump into bed with someone, stop and ask yourself some questions. What are your motives? What are you hoping to achieve and is this the best way to do that? Would some self-pleasuring be just as good or even better in this situation? Could you explore being sexual without intercourse? If you really like this person, could you get to know them before sleeping with them?
All of these things will help you to start to create deeper and longer connections in future. I wish you the best of luck.