I struggle to come during sex

Dear Rebecca,

For as long as I can remember I’ve had great difficulty orgasming during sex. I don’t seem to have a problem on my own, but whenever I’m with someone, whether we’re having sex or she’s giving me a blowjob, I just can’t come. I often feel embarrassed and always feel frustrated.

Please can you help?



Hi Steven,

Thank you for your email. There could be many reasons you are having difficulty orgasming when you are with someone.

I have worked with quite a few men in your situation and although it’s different for everyone, often it has to do with difficulty either letting go in general or difficulty being vulnerable. Does that resonate for you? If so, start to notice where you have trouble letting go and see if you can ease up a bit. Find activities that help you to loosen up, such as dancing or swimming. If you feel the need to be in control much of the time, see if you can start to trust that everything is fine, whether you’re in control or not. Practice allowing yourself to be vulnerable in new and different situations.

It’s also possible that the muscles and tissues in and around your genitals have become contracted and so make it difficult for you to reach orgasm. Apply massage to the whole region, including your lower back, abdomen, thighs, etc it will help to loosen up the area as will gentle stretches and exercise. Again, dancing and swimming are great for loosening up the muscles.

Another thing that should help is to let go of the goal of orgasm for a while. Practice being really present to what is going on when you are being sexual. Be right there in the moment with the pleasure, desire and arousal. As excitement builds, remind yourself that there is no goal, nothing to achieve. As you practice this, your body and mind should start to loosen up and eventually you will find that orgasm happens much easier.

With love,


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