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I miss kinky sex with my wife

Dear Rebecca,


When my wife and I first met we were pretty kinky and got up to all sorts of exciting things. BDSM was a big part of our sexual relationship. A few years and a couple of kids later we rarely have sex, much less get kinky. I really miss those parts of our relationship. Any suggestions how to get back to it?

Thanks,

Doug

Hi Doug,

Thank you for your email. It’s so easy for life, work and kids to get in the way of our sex lives. Our time and energy seems to go on other things and we don’t always feel like getting busy in the bedroom, much less adding in the kinky stuff.

In order to get things going again, you’ll both have to agree to put some focus and awareness on what you’d like to create, what you’d like to happen sexually. It will never get better by ignoring it or hoping that sooner or later you’ll both suddenly have the energy.

I’d suggest making a date with your wife to start with a chat. Doesn’t matter if you’re both tired. Agree on a date and time, make sure the kids are asleep or preoccupied for a while, turn off your phones and have a good old chat about what you each want. Really listen to each other’s needs, desires and hopes. Remember that sex may be different now because your relationship has matured and your situation is different. Be open to new possibilities and rather than seeing obstacles, see opportunities to get creative.

Once you have all that out in the open, you can start to create a plan or at least some gentle nudges in the right direction. Perhaps you can agree on a day or time that would suit you both for some intimate time. Make that time precious and don’t fill it with anything else.

I really understand what you’re saying about missing the kinky elements of your sex life, but don’t not have sex just because you don’t feel you can add those kinky parts in right now. If only the kinky stuff works for you, then find some small ways of including it. Depending on what you’re into, there’s lots of ways to get kinky when you need to be quiet or are feeling tired. What about a bit of bondage or a ball gag? You can Dom or be Dommed with just a whisper.

Believe me, where there’s a will there’s a way. Work on getting the will back together and I’m sure you’ll both find a way!

With love,

Rebecca

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