I can’t orgasm with my new man

Dear Rebecca,

I was single for a couple of years and during that time got very dependent on my vibrator for stimulation. I’m now in a new relationship and finding it really difficult to orgasm with my new man.  He’s a great lover and I get close, but can’t quite get there. Please can you help?



Hi Jessica,

Thank you for your email. It’s possible that your body has just got used to how you stimulate it with your vibrator and needs to learn to enjoy something new.

Part of the fun of a new relationship is learning about each other’s bodies and what works and doesn’t work for them sexually. Talk to your partner about it and tell him that you’d like to work together to learn to orgasm with him. Take it nice and slow to allow maximum arousal to build up. When you feel yourself getting close, see if you can relax into it and follow the energy in your body. If you pay really close attention to the ‘wave’ of sexual energy as it builds, you will in time learn to follow it to orgasm.

Don’t be afraid to guide your partner either. Tell him when something feels particularly good, or to use more or less pressure or go slower or faster. He’ll get to learn what you like and you’ll get to show him just how to make you come. Everyone is a winner!

Another thing to look out for is fear of vulnerability. Having been on your own for a couple of years, it’s possible that you got used to keeping yourself to yourself, to not having to be intimate with another. That can sometimes lead to feeling vulnerable when we come to share ourselves with someone new. Sharing our sexuality with someone can make us feel very vulnerable. Check in with yourself and see if that resonates for you. If it does, remind yourself that it’s safe to share your sexual self and your vulnerability with your new man. In fact, it will be a real gift to both of you.

With love,


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