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How do I masturbate to orgasm?

Dear Rebecca,


I had a very strict upbringing and my parents forbade any discussion on bodies, pleasure or sex. I never learned to masturbate because I was terrified of what would happen if I got caught. Now that I don’t live at home any more, I’ve tried it, but I don’t think I’m doing it right. It feels nice, but I never get close to orgasm. Do you have any advice or suggestions for how I can learn to masturbate to orgasm?

Thanks,

Susan

Dear Susan,

Thank you for your email. There are a couple of things that might be going on for you. It could be that you need to try new things out and slowly but surely discover what you like and what works for you. Make sure you take plenty of time to relax as you start to masturbate. It’s essential for your body and mind to feel at ease as you start to build sexual arousal. Most women find that they orgasm with clitoral stimulation, or with that plus penetration. Have you tried any sex toys? A gentle vibrator on your clitoris might be just the thing to tip you over the edge. If you’re happy using your hand or fingers on your clitoris, you might like to try a dildo for penetrative stimulation. Also, pay attention to your breath. Holding your breath will stop orgasmic energy from being able to move around your body. If you’re trying to raise your sexual energy towards orgasm, try taking deep breaths at a pace that feels good for you. See how it feels to breath through your mouth and even making some sound. Sound also helps to move sexual energy through our bodies.

It’s also possible that having been raised in an environment where there was shame around sexuality that your body holds that shame and so finds it difficult to allow a big release such as orgasm. There are lots of ways to address that. You might like to work with a sexuality practitioner for example. You can also start to address it on your own. Start to notice if shame comes up for you, either when you’re masturbating or at other times. It’s probable that this shame is just a ghost of your past and you can practice letting it go. If shame comes up while you’re masturbating take a minute to notice it and see if you can carry on pleasuring yourself. That shame was learned and in a way, it kept you safe as a child in a strict home. Now things are different and you are in charge of your life and your sexuality. Remind yourself of that if shame pops up and see if you can gently move past it into fully embracing your sexual self.

The other thing is to not worry too much about orgasm. Keep exploring how your body likes to receive pleasure without the pressure of having to orgasm. As you get to know your body and your sexual preferences better it’s likely that you will find your way to orgasms quite naturally.

With love,

Rebecca

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