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How can I be a better lover?

Dear Rebecca,


I am 25 years old and have just had sex for the first time. I’ve always been a bit shy and somehow it never happened for me until now. Fortunately I’ve met a really great woman who has been very patient and understanding. I’m now wondering how do I learn to be a better lover? I feel I have years to catch up on and don’t want to disappoint my girlfriend.

Thanks,

Steve

Hi Steve,

How fabulous that you’ve met just the right person to become sexual with. It makes so much difference being with someone that you feel safe and comfortable with. You could read books, attend workshops or talk to friends about how to become a better lover, however, I’m going to share with you my top tips for being great in bed:

  1. Be present! Maybe that sounds obvious, but often people aren’t quite present during sex. Being present means not thinking about other things like work or what you have to do later and having all of your attention and awareness on what is happening in the present moment.  Where is she touching you, how are you feeling, how are you touching her, is your heart open? That alone will always make sex better and you a wonderful lover!
  2. Look into each other’s eyes. Again, this may sound obvious, but I often hear from people that they drift off into their own pleasure and sort of lose contact with their partner. Maintaining eye contact during erotic pleasures is super hot, very intimate and will make everything else you do feel deeper and more intense.
  3. Communicate! This is absolutely necessary to being a good lover. Good open, honest communication will always lead you in the right direction sexually. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you’d like, or to ask your partner what she’d like. You are not supposed to be able to read her mind. Share your sexual dreams and fantasies with each other. If something doesn’t feel good or you’re not in the mood for it this time, say it! If you hold it in you may energetically shut a part of yourself off and that will decrease intimacy. If your partner isn’t up for something in particular, don’t take it personally. Be grateful that she is sharing that information with you so you can ask her what she would like.
  4. Don’t be afraid to try new things. That might mean a new position, a sex toy or a fun fantasy. At worst you’ll just figure out something you don’t like and you don’t have to repeat it. At best you’ll have a great time, increase intimacy, expand your possibilities and through that, become a better lover.
  5. Play! Sex is different things at different times. Sometimes it is deeply emotional, healing and transformational. Other times it is funny, silly and playful. Get out of your head and into your body. Don’t worry about what you look like or if you’re doing it right. Have a playful attitude and enjoy whatever happens.
  6. DO NOT try to impress! That will just lead you down a miserable road. Sex should never be about trying to impress your lover, your friends or yourself.
  7. Be yourself. That is all you can ever really be anyway. Don’t try to be something or someone you’re not, just be your true honest self in each unfolding moment. That is where true intimacy is and ultimately it is intimacy that we are looking for in sex. Be yourself and the rest should happen naturally.

With love,

Rebecca

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